Fear of Change

Fall – when even the leaves are changing

Like 97% of the rest of humanity, I am afraid of change. By the way, I fabricated the 97% figure – I bet the actual percentage of human beings who are afraid of change is higher.

The funny thing about a fear of change is that it doesn’t matter if the change is something wanted or unwanted – it’s still going to happen, and who knows what life will be like afterwards? It’s going to be DIFFERENT, and somehow that’s the whole problem.

At least, that’s my problem. No matter how many times I remind myself that I haven’t ended up living in my car yet and am unlikely to have to live in my car in the future, it hasn’t quite sunk in. Every once in a while I still fall into a state of stupid panic over what might (or might not) happen.

In spite of fearing change, there are plenty of changes I want to see happen in my life. First of all, I need to do something about that lack of a social life during the winter months. It probably wouldn’t kill me to go out for coffee once in a while. Or, as my best for over 15 years recently pointed out to me, it’s not hard to make a phone call. Also, doing the dishes on a regular basis might be a good habit to get into.

Seriously though. What I really have in mind is my own store, The Salmon Apple Pie Gallery. If other changes weren’t already enough to cause absolute panic, opening a retail shop is bound to do it. But, in spite of being afraid of how this might work out (including the fear that this might be the step that leads to me and Mattie living in the Corolla), it’s the right time to move ahead with this plan.

Mama brown bear with cubs on the Dyea flats

Even if I am scared literally shitless at the idea of how much change this action will require.

The thing I’m really asking myself to remember is that most changes turn out to be good ones in the long run. In the past four years of my life, I have a hard time thinking of one deliberate change that I have made that I regret.

Before these past four years my fear of change ruled. I worked shitty jobs. I had relationships that were okay, but not really right. Worst of all, I didn’t do anything. I turned down a lot of opportunities to have better jobs or even a more exciting – hell, forget exciting, let’s just say an interesting life.

That is the time of my life that I regret – the time when I didn’t try. Which also stands out as the single least creative period of my life, by the way.

Thinking of that time makes me understand it’s time to feel the fear and do it anyway. (No, I actually haven’t read this book, I just know the title.) Big changes ahead!


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