It’s an unmissable fact that I have been much less creative than usual for the last year or so. Part of that has to do with work (and therefore, money) issues while the rest of it is due to facing the first serious health problems of my life.

I can’t speak for everyone (and wouldn’t want to even if I could), but I personally find it hard to write when I’m too busy Googling things like “symptoms of liver failure” and “what happens when your gallbladder bursts” alongside “surgery for ovarian cyst” and “should I go to the emergency room for (insert symptom here).” And that’s not to mention all the time I’ve spent creatively swearing at my insurance company for never updating its list of physicians that accept the insurance. Add in medical appointments and the time spent on the phone trying to track down referrals to and from various providers, and, well, I just wish I were getting paid by the hour for all of that time.

So yeah, let’s just say I’ve been a bit preoccupied. In other news, I can say for sure that you should never under any circumstances search the internet for your symptoms because it will, sooner or later, tell you that you have brain tumor. Which if I did, it would explain a lot, actually, but moving on.

In the midst of all of this, it’s become abundantly clear that making stuff is what keeps me from losing my shit and ripping the head off the asshole in front of me in line who is red-faced screaming at the person with the least ability to solve his problems, and therefore preventing her from solving my most immediate problem – the barista. Yes, I need my coffee that much.

Honestly, I haven’t even gotten my camera out of the closet let alone used it since I got home from my last visit to my family in New York last fall. It’s hard to find enjoyment in photographing nature when southern Michigan has proudly razed and paved and fenced and erected a playground that’s never actually used on every inch of public space that’s not a wetland full of snakes (and, honestly, a few places that are). It’s also hard to commit myself to a nature walk with this much abdominal pain. It’s even harder to commit myself to a nature walk while carrying a backpack full of camera and gear when I have this much abdominal pain.

All of that means that I’m limited to the creative work that I can actually do right now. I have made limited progress on a couple of cookbooks I would like to publish someday, hopefully soon. I’ve also dug up some of the fiction that I wrote years ago and discovered that it’s actually not as bad as previously believed, so maybe that will see the light of day in the future too.

Bottom line is, outside circumstances can and will take every opportunity to make it harder to create whatever it is you want to create. Personally, I feel a nice glow of satisfaction for managing to make something regardless of circumstances, even is that something I just made was crocheting a pair of cat-shaped pillows while sitting in front of the hockey game and wishing for my favorite team (Toronto) to trade that absolute asshole Mrazek already. This was in regular season, obviously, before they developed the brains to place him on waivers.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way (as well as many other interesting books) calls this making art “at” someone – or something. And why not? Fuck you, abdominal pain. I made something today. Ultimately that kind of attitude, shitty though it may be, feels a lot better than crawling into bed with a couple of cats and maybe a hot water bottle.

It’s definitely been a period of slow creativity for me. Another concept from Julia Cameron is “filling the well.” That means using downtime to collect experiences, thoughts, etc. that can be used at a later time when the opportunity to make something returns.

I’ve made it clear on several occasions exactly what I think about the myth of writer’s block – there is no mysterious external force that magically prevents people from being productively creative. This, the physical symptoms that are preventing me from creating things, is the closest thing I have ever experienced to a block. And what a block it is – to not be physically able to do the creative work. That puts into perspective the sad whining of the person who claims to be “blocked” but actually just has yet to sit his ass down and do some work.

I just had to accept that my output wouldn’t be nearly the quantity or quality that I’m used to producing. Some of my creative energy has to go into healing my body, whatever that may take. More of it has to go into creating what I am capable of creating. And I still need enough left to think of ways to prevent my cats from trying to kill each other in the middle of the bed while I’m trying to sleep.

That being said, if the will to create is there, the output will happen. It may not be at the pace or volume that you want. Hell, you may not be able to do the exact thing that you want. But, by putting in the amount of effort that is currently possible, you can create something. Even if that’s just a chicken salad sandwich.

At some point in all of this, I decided this blog doesn’t really matter. In the grand scheme of things, is it important? I told myself no, but you know what? It is. If even one person reads this, it’s worth it to me.